September 3rd, 2007

rainy street

question and answer

Chapter Eight is not writing itself like the other chapters have. It's not words I'm struggling with. My outline was wrong; the story that needs to be told in this chapter didn't ring true, so I spent half of yesterday watching Veronica Mars and thinking about what the true story should be. And realization pretty much hit me all in a rush. It's not a pretty realization. The words will come now, I think, when I can bring myself to write them.

I had to do a tarot reading on this one, on what my new theorem says about me. Have I ever really loved before? Have I ever actually been loved before? Is this new thought clarity or is it cynicism bordering on nihilism?

Princess of Wands........The Devil.......Six of Coins
................The Tower

There's really no clearer answer than that. An excerpt from the description of the Devil card (in my deck): Spider woman, her creative energy out of balance, seduces and traps a man in her sticky web in order to feed off his illusions of what love is.

The reading renders the question of love itself moot; though confirms the clarity. In a malformed relationship, love is a destructive force. Love and relationships are like faith and religion. The relationship is just the dogma through which we express the love. But like anything that is made into a set of codified behaviors, the institution can completely pave over the truth, and is open to an astonishingly wide variety of incorrect interpretations.

It's all nice to theorize about, but looking back, it hurts like hell. In my reading, the Princess of Wands (is that really how men see me?) and The Devil are governed by The Tower. Institutions crashing down, old mindsets (self-delusion) burned away. And left after this merciful decay and death of outmoded ideas about who I am, is the six of coins. Learning to give and receive. Abundance shared.

I guess today is the day I finally trade in my Prince Charming conceptual framework for Corn Maiden. Somehow I had forgotten for all these years that fairy tales were originally meant as warning tales, used to teach what to be afraid of and stay away from.
cow of pain


Horrorscope for today:

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

This is a hard phase for you as you are drawn into other people's battles. It's not that you don't want to help -- you do and you do it well. It's just that the metaphysical lightning strikes and all of a sudden the sky lights up so you see the whole picture quite clearly. You may realize that if you don't take care of your own needs, you won't have anything to give to others. Make changes in your priorities to bring your life into balance.

Yeah. Thanks,, for once again smacking me upside the head.
the fool


Does it count if I *know* I am stalling?

I did a very complected tarot spread (called The Secret of the High Priestess) for myself, asking, quite simply, who am I?

It actually came out with such a meaningful answer I had to take a picture:

And here are the card names:

Prince of Wands.................The Moon...................4 of Wands

8 of Swords.......................Death....................Queen of Cups
...........................(x'ed by 5 of Cups)


..............................Princess of Coins

I pulled a clarifier card on the 8 of Swords and got the King of Cups, as you can see him tilted in the picture.

Plainly? Well, it's a very detailed reading, concentration on the past and past ideas of love and how badly that all has gone is barring my way to transformation. My time of rest and recuperation is almost at an end; right now the Moon represents my path, as I am navigating the way between the rocks (through a gate). Soon passion and a sense of adventure and daring will be my main influences (possibly in another person, but likely in myself). This all leads up to a more grounded me, scholarly, who is more fully able and willing to participate in life. And the overall motivation for the banquet of me here comes from a desire to make my outer life match the uncompromising joys I find in my inner life, and to find a balance that brings the two together in harmony.

Specifically, I need to stop painting over the past and giving credit where none is due. That trap of seeing the good in people keeps me chained to a viewpoint that is always skewed, to my detriment.

Hmm. You know? I actually do feel better now. Perhaps I was stalling with a purpose.....

sweet with the bitter?

I'm so not kidding.

This German associate professor of macro economics at Portland State University found my profile on and sent me a message this morning at 1 a.m. And in between bouts of existential angst this morning, I sent him a friendly reply.

And now I have a date. Tonight.

Okay, universe. Maybe I could get behind this whole synchronicity/acceptance/self-examination thing!

P.S. - He's been to Malta. I am not making this up.