September 7th, 2007

new life

i know why my marriage failed.

After months of delicate phrasing, of being fair, of not laying blame, of even at times doubting that getting a divorce was a smart thing to do, I know decisively the exact reason it all fell apart. Writing this particular chapter of this particular novel has brought on perfect clarity.

Two things made it all come together. First, hearing that mutual friends were under the impression that I was fully aware of my ex-husband's actions and condoned them. That was the big one. But then I remembered a miscommunication a good three years back over luggage and wordless assumptions. And now it has fallen into place. Even comments that made no sense to me at the time I now understand.

The *entire* length of our relationship, I had been in a wordless agreement that I had silently assented to. The assumption was that I ever knew either of these two facts. Had the agreement been presented to me in words defining its exact nature and how it would manifest in reality, I never would have assented, silent or otherwise.

Oh, there are other things, some smaller, some larger. But that, I now realize, was the thing that made working out the rest of it an impossibility.

It comes back to the worst advice I ever took. When I found out about the underlying nature of what would eventually become the impetus for that silent pact, I took immediate offense and dislike to it. And when talking to a friend, I had said, I like all this about him, but I don't know if I can live with this one part. And the friend replied to me: "Look, if there is a hole in the wall you don't tear down the entire house. You put a nice picture over the hole and enjoy the house."

Well. Ten years later, we can all see what covering up problems gets you.