September 9th, 2007

not the brightest crayon

what is my bliss?

I think I know, then I hamstring myself again and again. If I want to write, why am I not writing? If I hate Portland, why am I here? If I want to go back to school, why don't I just go back to school? Was the accidental finding of this entry-level job at Pacifica, the place I want to go back to school, an opportunity I should take advantage of, or just a reminder that things will fall into place when you need them, if they are clear? If I want to go outside and enjoy the sun for a bit, why don't I just go outside and enjoy the sun for a bit?

Guh, I hate it when I get all turned around like this. I'm sure the explanation is something simple, like: "you've completely overhauled your personality and life in a year. Bits of you need time to catch up."

Whatever!

Anyway, I did a reading on it, and it's completely obtuse just like I feel. Maybe it'll make sense later.

.............High Priestess
...............................................3 of Swords (r)
King of Swords......Queen of Wands
...............................................Queen of Swords
............Princess of Cups

So, you're gonna suffer.....but you're gonna be happy about it.
the fool

dealing with change spread

..........1
.....2.........3
4.........5........6
.....7.........8
..........9

1: Mercury/Integration. The energies you need to balance and integrate at this moment: 8 of Coins

2: Aquarius/Air. What you need to know about these changes: Strength

3: Scorpio/Water. Your emotional response to these changes: 6 of Coins

4: Sulfur/Expansion. The energies that are coming into your life: 7 of Cups

5: Center. The part of yourself or your life that remains unchanged: Temperance

6: Salt/Contraception. The energies that are leaving your life: Princess of Swords

7: Taurus/Earth. Where you can find stability and practical support: 4 of Cups

8: Leo/Fire. What actions you can take to make the best of these changes: Queen of Cups

9: Water/Dissolution. That which you need to release: The Moon

This makes a lot more sense. Forget enlightenment; just live. Focus on my talents. Be open to opportunities and choose wisely among them; I want to have it all, but only have time for some, so be selective. Examine the past and listen to inner guides to move forward. Emotionally, I am embracing these changes; it's my head that's f*ing everything up. And there will be a synthesis between head and heart.

I also know exactly what I need to do. Work! I need to get my writing done and finish up my book on Islam. I've spent enough time on religions for the moment, and don't need to read the source writings right now. They will be important, but not in wholesale fashion. Time to take the test for this course and move on to Meditation.

Oh, that helps. Indecisiveness beat back again, for the time being.