Amanda Green (eliste_writes) wrote,
Amanda Green
eliste_writes

question and answer

Chapter Eight is not writing itself like the other chapters have. It's not words I'm struggling with. My outline was wrong; the story that needs to be told in this chapter didn't ring true, so I spent half of yesterday watching Veronica Mars and thinking about what the true story should be. And realization pretty much hit me all in a rush. It's not a pretty realization. The words will come now, I think, when I can bring myself to write them.

I had to do a tarot reading on this one, on what my new theorem says about me. Have I ever really loved before? Have I ever actually been loved before? Is this new thought clarity or is it cynicism bordering on nihilism?

Princess of Wands........The Devil.......Six of Coins
................The Tower

There's really no clearer answer than that. An excerpt from the description of the Devil card (in my deck): Spider woman, her creative energy out of balance, seduces and traps a man in her sticky web in order to feed off his illusions of what love is.

The reading renders the question of love itself moot; though confirms the clarity. In a malformed relationship, love is a destructive force. Love and relationships are like faith and religion. The relationship is just the dogma through which we express the love. But like anything that is made into a set of codified behaviors, the institution can completely pave over the truth, and is open to an astonishingly wide variety of incorrect interpretations.

It's all nice to theorize about, but looking back, it hurts like hell. In my reading, the Princess of Wands (is that really how men see me?) and The Devil are governed by The Tower. Institutions crashing down, old mindsets (self-delusion) burned away. And left after this merciful decay and death of outmoded ideas about who I am, is the six of coins. Learning to give and receive. Abundance shared.

I guess today is the day I finally trade in my Prince Charming conceptual framework for Corn Maiden. Somehow I had forgotten for all these years that fairy tales were originally meant as warning tales, used to teach what to be afraid of and stay away from.
Tags: my day, my readings, tarot, thoughts, writing
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