I still have one more day here with the mum, but I am headed out early on Tuesday. It's been so great being with them, poking around and laughing with them. For two whole weeks I've allowed myself to just be, without the background worries and ridiculous standards and impossible goals and mental cat-and-mouse games.
And the most interesting thing has happened. Desires have started to creep up and make themselves known to me. I have wants. I have a way in which I want to live my life.
I want to move back to California, but not before next fall, when I will be ready. I still want to go to Pacifica, and I want to live north of LA, somewhere from 1 to 3 hours away from the city on the southern edge of the central coast. I want to live in a small, cozy town nestled in greenery not far from the ocean (Ojai is sounding fantastic). I want to rent for now and then consider owning when I have a more stable source of income and the market tips even more in my favor. I want to rent a house/townhouse with a yard. I want a wippet, preferably a puppy to raise with a kitten. I want a vacation club membership so I can go away once or twice a year to some exotic place. Eventually, I want to learn to sail and own a boat! I want to meditate every day. I want to turn writing into a career making the money I need to do all the things listed above. I want to get moving physically.
How do I move toward accomplishing all these things? I have realized some things. I have realized that I have little motivation because I don't trust myself anymore. I've let myself down enough times that I no longer have any faith in myself. And so I do nothing, to punish myself for that betrayal. I also realize that while following my bliss is a fantastic idea, until I have more faith in myself, there's nothing wrong with having goals and plans in place to achieve those goals. The goals can change, the plans can change, but right now I need baby steps. I've taken enough leaps of faith for the time being.
Realizing all this, I also realized today that opportunities have presented themselves to me. I have a number to call for a stockbroker to help me with the Nuera stock, but when I got the number I was also told that the place had financial planning services. That would be a fantastic place to start with a plan. Then today I found this website which seems to be a next logical step. I want to find out more about her process, but if I could get a realistic plan in place with realistic goals and bullet points that need to get done to help me reach the goals, that would be worth its weight in gold to me right now.
Many thoughts buzzing around my head. But one thing's for sure. I have loved my vacation, but I am ready to move my life in a direction now....right after dinner!