Tags: tarot

see my fear

will i be successful in 2009?

I love it when Tarot.com gives away free stuff.

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I have known for a while now that I am hamstringing myself with fear. I fear material/professional success; I am convinced on a mostly unconscious level that you cannot have success without eschewing love. From that big fear, little fears manifest and compensating behaviors quietly attempt to ruin my life. The largest would be giving all my time away. Nothing insures that you will get nowhere faster than having no time in which to do anything. So I have been running myself into the ground with this ridiculous shadow play of keeping myself away from people to have time while wanting to be around people and do things.

Then I have a secondary fear to overcome, that of losing people in my life if I am not how they think I should be. That neatly ensures that all my efforts are going into over-maintaining relationships instead of taking care of myself, which might lead to a healthy accomplished successful me.

Stack on that the paranoia of feeling like the support of others ("I know you will sort it out and do great things!") is really just a backhanded way of pointing out my lack of having sorted it out yet, and trust me, it's been a really long year of identifying then trying to deal with this crap.

So much comes from that one deep fear. I don't take care of my health as well as I should, not eating enough or staying fit, so my energy level is always low, ensuring I can't get enough done. I waiver on choosing a path of action, for fear of making an incorrect choice. Which is just another way to not get anything done. Failing, at least, would be something (but then people might not like me anymore for my foolish choices! *panicpanic*).

Goddess, I'm sick of it. For the last month I have been completely, utterly done with feeding this fear. I am exhausted by what I do to myself to keep it alive. And it has resisted all my attempts to be worked through, reasoned with, ignored, bullied, shoved aside, expressed appropriately, or re-purposed.

So you know what? I'm afraid. There we have it. Acknowledged and moving on. I really just don't care anymore about what could or might happen if I don't "respect" this fear. I could end up with no friends and estranged family, living in Kansas and working on a farm struggling to make rent and food money. Fine.

Because if this baseless fear that was formed on a tenuous assumption made in the mind of a small child like 30 years ago could might just maybe be wrong....and the odds that it is do seem to be rather high....then what could I accomplish?

I haven't been posting because honestly, I haven't let myself have a life lately. I'm done with that too. Life ahoy.
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orare

telling my fortune

Question of the day for the Faeries' Oracle: How is the initiation progressing?

Answer: The Faery Who Was Kissed By The Pixies. Or Morna, queen of love.

Question of the day for the tarot: Is getting the Writer's Coach a good idea?

Answer:

10 of Wands.............Strength............Princess of Coins (r)

(The 10 of Wands signifies a burden about to be lifted.)

And a last question for the tarot: Why am I so tired?

Answer:

Judgment................4 of Coins..........King of Coins
are you the key?

morning spread

A Blind Spot spread for me this morning:

10 of Coins...........5 of Swords (r)
..................................Clarifier: Queen of Wands

Ace of Cups...........King of Cups
..................................Clarifier: 10 of Coins


Lots of positive cards. It looks like I am beating my rational mind back to its proper place. And that was obvious to others? Huh. I seem much less complicated than the last time I did this spread. I think that's a fantastic sign. I've recovered my grace and balance, and indeed small things aren't knocking me off-balance, and I'm not dreading unsavory tasks, just accepting that they need to be done. My emotions are still very internal. Hmm. I don't think I shall ever be an emotive person. But I think I can work on being an expressive person, like the King of Cups. I think that is a positive way for a grounded person to show feelings without wallowing in them.

And look at all that money I saved on therapy!
the fool

dealing with change spread

..........1
.....2.........3
4.........5........6
.....7.........8
..........9

1: Mercury/Integration. The energies you need to balance and integrate at this moment: 8 of Coins

2: Aquarius/Air. What you need to know about these changes: Strength

3: Scorpio/Water. Your emotional response to these changes: 6 of Coins

4: Sulfur/Expansion. The energies that are coming into your life: 7 of Cups

5: Center. The part of yourself or your life that remains unchanged: Temperance

6: Salt/Contraception. The energies that are leaving your life: Princess of Swords

7: Taurus/Earth. Where you can find stability and practical support: 4 of Cups

8: Leo/Fire. What actions you can take to make the best of these changes: Queen of Cups

9: Water/Dissolution. That which you need to release: The Moon

This makes a lot more sense. Forget enlightenment; just live. Focus on my talents. Be open to opportunities and choose wisely among them; I want to have it all, but only have time for some, so be selective. Examine the past and listen to inner guides to move forward. Emotionally, I am embracing these changes; it's my head that's f*ing everything up. And there will be a synthesis between head and heart.

I also know exactly what I need to do. Work! I need to get my writing done and finish up my book on Islam. I've spent enough time on religions for the moment, and don't need to read the source writings right now. They will be important, but not in wholesale fashion. Time to take the test for this course and move on to Meditation.

Oh, that helps. Indecisiveness beat back again, for the time being.
not the brightest crayon

what is my bliss?

I think I know, then I hamstring myself again and again. If I want to write, why am I not writing? If I hate Portland, why am I here? If I want to go back to school, why don't I just go back to school? Was the accidental finding of this entry-level job at Pacifica, the place I want to go back to school, an opportunity I should take advantage of, or just a reminder that things will fall into place when you need them, if they are clear? If I want to go outside and enjoy the sun for a bit, why don't I just go outside and enjoy the sun for a bit?

Guh, I hate it when I get all turned around like this. I'm sure the explanation is something simple, like: "you've completely overhauled your personality and life in a year. Bits of you need time to catch up."

Whatever!

Anyway, I did a reading on it, and it's completely obtuse just like I feel. Maybe it'll make sense later.

.............High Priestess
...............................................3 of Swords (r)
King of Swords......Queen of Wands
...............................................Queen of Swords
............Princess of Cups

So, you're gonna suffer.....but you're gonna be happy about it.
umbrella in the storm

still not right

As I'm feeling very out-of-sorts today with no clear idea why, I did another tarot reading. The universe is apparently done with me asking for guidance and feeling out of sorts, because this reading is pretty much the equivalent of the forty-foot tall letters of flame on the side of the mountain in So Long And Thanks For All The Fish.

The Hanged Man.........The High Priestess.........The Tower
clarifier cards for each:

Empress................3 of Wands.................Prince of Cups


Yeesh! Hamlet. In love. With the old man's daughter. The old man thinks. I get it, I get it.

Off to find the package store to secure the key ingredient in amaretto fudge. I'll let you know the outcome of that little venture....
the fool

stalling

Does it count if I *know* I am stalling?

I did a very complected tarot spread (called The Secret of the High Priestess) for myself, asking, quite simply, who am I?

It actually came out with such a meaningful answer I had to take a picture:




And here are the card names:

Prince of Wands.................The Moon...................4 of Wands

8 of Swords.......................Death....................Queen of Cups
...........................(x'ed by 5 of Cups)

................................Empress

..............................Princess of Coins

I pulled a clarifier card on the 8 of Swords and got the King of Cups, as you can see him tilted in the picture.

Plainly? Well, it's a very detailed reading, but.....my concentration on the past and past ideas of love and how badly that all has gone is barring my way to transformation. My time of rest and recuperation is almost at an end; right now the Moon represents my path, as I am navigating the way between the rocks (through a gate). Soon passion and a sense of adventure and daring will be my main influences (possibly in another person, but likely in myself). This all leads up to a more grounded me, scholarly, who is more fully able and willing to participate in life. And the overall motivation for the banquet of me here comes from a desire to make my outer life match the uncompromising joys I find in my inner life, and to find a balance that brings the two together in harmony.

Specifically, I need to stop painting over the past and giving credit where none is due. That trap of seeing the good in people keeps me chained to a viewpoint that is always skewed, to my detriment.

Hmm. You know? I actually do feel better now. Perhaps I was stalling with a purpose.....
rainy street

question and answer

Chapter Eight is not writing itself like the other chapters have. It's not words I'm struggling with. My outline was wrong; the story that needs to be told in this chapter didn't ring true, so I spent half of yesterday watching Veronica Mars and thinking about what the true story should be. And realization pretty much hit me all in a rush. It's not a pretty realization. The words will come now, I think, when I can bring myself to write them.

I had to do a tarot reading on this one, on what my new theorem says about me. Have I ever really loved before? Have I ever actually been loved before? Is this new thought clarity or is it cynicism bordering on nihilism?

Princess of Wands........The Devil.......Six of Coins
................The Tower

There's really no clearer answer than that. An excerpt from the description of the Devil card (in my deck): Spider woman, her creative energy out of balance, seduces and traps a man in her sticky web in order to feed off his illusions of what love is.

The reading renders the question of love itself moot; though confirms the clarity. In a malformed relationship, love is a destructive force. Love and relationships are like faith and religion. The relationship is just the dogma through which we express the love. But like anything that is made into a set of codified behaviors, the institution can completely pave over the truth, and is open to an astonishingly wide variety of incorrect interpretations.

It's all nice to theorize about, but looking back, it hurts like hell. In my reading, the Princess of Wands (is that really how men see me?) and The Devil are governed by The Tower. Institutions crashing down, old mindsets (self-delusion) burned away. And left after this merciful decay and death of outmoded ideas about who I am, is the six of coins. Learning to give and receive. Abundance shared.

I guess today is the day I finally trade in my Prince Charming conceptual framework for Corn Maiden. Somehow I had forgotten for all these years that fairy tales were originally meant as warning tales, used to teach what to be afraid of and stay away from.
orare

by the dark light of the moon

Because I am who I am, when I got home at some ridiculous hour this morning I pulled out a few tarot cards in an intuitive spread by the dark of the moon. I was too tired to even bother turning them over and seeing what I got, and just went straight to sleep. This is what I woke to find this morning:

........................Death

........Wheel of Fortune(r)......3 of Wands

.....Prince of Wands.....2 of Cups....King of Coins


If you read my tarot entries, then you know how very interesting it is getting the reversed Wheel today. While a reverse Wheel usually means some sort of stagnation or of being stuck, I am fairly sure that is not at all what it means in this reading. What I read, in a nutshell, is transformation. The end of the old and the birth of a new cycle. (Which is interesting to me, because I pulled the Death card in San Diego and I had thought it had meant transformation then, but it turns out it meant a literal death, my grandfather's. I see clearly now that though the change was beginning, it was not near done.) I have finally swung the Wheel around (or it has swung me) to the opposite of where I was. Outmoded and outgrown beliefs and feelings really are at an end. My studies are important now; the foundation is being laid, and discovery, challenges, expansion and growth will follow. The grad school option is a now a clearly defined goal for me, that I will be pursuing. And while I am there, or slightly after, this reading says, I will meet someone....the passion, creativity, adventure and warmth of the prince of wands tempered by the groundedness, determination, and shrewdness of the king of coins. (My opposite, by the way. Coins and wands are earth and fire; I am air and water. We share some attributes, but they come from different motivations.) Sounds like a delectable combination to me. ;)

But that is in the future, and I am happy for now to keep that future out of my present. The present is back to the grindstone of novel and study, and that makes me more content than nearly anything else has of late. Well. Back to it after a little nap.....
new life

is it any wonder?

A little three-card spread for the day, that turned into four:


............4 of Cups (r).....Wheel of Fortune.....Queen of Cups
The Star


Honestly, I have to write out the definitions, because they are priceless.

Four of Cups (reversed): This card can signify the present emotional turmoil will aid in the healing process.

Wheel of Fortune: Karma, fate, destiny. A new cycle of growth and self-awareness begins. Evolution. A run of luck. The art of timing. Taking responsibility for one's fate. Learning to go with the flow, realizing there is a season for everything. An awareness of the laws of change, natural cycles, seasons, and all circular patterns.

Queen of Cups: One who lives a great deal in the realm of fantasy, imagination, and creativity. She is acutely aware of how she does not often relate to the outer world, and therefore she is keenly sensitive to her feelings as well as those of others. A natural healer. She is intuitive on a feeling level, sensual, receptive, and thoughtful, although not always practical.

All affected by the Star, who speaks of the healing of both body and mind, and is a message of insight, inspiration, and renewal.

Usually I don't rely so heavily on the book's interpretations, but when the shoe fits.....

I am weary unto depression of feeling so trapped by other's wants and demands. It is a box I have made and then crawled into myself, I know this. Seeing it for what it is has only helped me make some air holes, hasn't given me a way out. I am so tired of all this. I am tired of soul-searching, tired of doing the right thing. I'm tired of trying to work out how to express emotions in some way that is acceptable to myself and others. I am tired of being earnest and having my responses grossly misinterpreted. I am tired of feeling alternately hounded and ignored. I am tired, most of all, of being unable to be good enough for me. I have all this potential. Don't I! So many people have said it. And I can't access that energy, that spark, that will to propel my life onto a path. Because I can't manage to generate a true interest in my own life. I have lived so long letting others define huge chunks of my life and being ok with that. And now that I am instead trying to define my own life, I can identify what I would like to do, what has meaning to me (though that was a struggle), but I have no drive to do it. Because I won't just accept that the decision is good enough. Because I won't accept that I deserve to live a life defined by no outside authority, spiritual or mortal.

Often I enjoy myself. But I don't love myself. Not yet.

Interesting thought: will I love myself more when I finally learn in my heart that I am not trapped by other's desires or definitions?

It is a good reading.....I like the Queen of Cups. I would like to be her. Practicality is not always so useful!

Sidenote: I went swimming today and my ears have been full of water all afternoon and I am half-deaf. Drat.